Relationships are tough enough without becoming a chameleon to make it work. Losing sight of who you really are, changing yourself to fit what you believe is the ideal, adapting yourself to your surroundings by forsaking your own being, means that it isn’t even really you in the relationship. It is a problem when everything you think, do, or say is a reflection of what you believe this other person wants or needs. This may work for a while, but you will get tired of being someone else or your veneer starts to crack and the real you eventually pops out. It’s so unfair to present yourself under false pretenses, only to “change” once you feel the connection has been well established. Or worse yet, blame the other person for not accepting you once you decide it’s time to be real. They haven’t even been allowed to get to know the real you in the first place. I have seen this happen time and time again. None of those relationships lasted. Why would they when they were based on lies and misconceptions? They ended in hurt and pain. The injured party starts to question if any of it was real and then feels anger at being duped. It destroys trust and often affects other relationships to come. Let me explain.
You meet someone and seem to click. You want to get to know this other person better and you want to give the best impression. However, you don’t know how the other person will feel about your imperfections. You have your insecurities and believe that if people knew the real you, they wouldn’t like you, not alone love you. So, you keep playing close to the vest, not revealing that much of yourself. You wait to find out their opinions, thoughts and expectations on relationships and other things. You slowly morph yourself into perfection in their eyes. You are affable, easy going and never disagree.
Here is the issue with that. No one, including you, will ever get to know the real you. You spend so much time being someone you aren’t, that the person you could be isn’t being allowed to bloom and grow. You set aside what is important to you and are only offering a fantasy version of yourself. Their likes and dislikes become yours, their dreams take the place of yours and before you know it, all of those qualities that make you unique, are suddenly gone. You become their mirror image with your own personality and traits vanishing into thin air.
If this other person wanted a carbon copy of themselves, they wouldn’t be out looking for someone else. They would be extremely narcissistic and not at all the kind of partner you would want. It isn’t fair to anyone, especially you, to cheat yourself out of an honest relationship. You need to be able to offer different insight and perspectives on things. People need to be challenged in their thoughts and feelings. Taking on all of the same characteristics makes you boring. If opposites attract, why would you want to be just like them?
Most people that become chameleons in relationships want to be liked or loved at all cost. They see it as a necessary sacrifice in order to obtain love. They also gauge their happiness on others’ happiness, becoming people pleasers. That leaves you vulnerable to abuse. If you feel you can only be happy when you are with this particular person or that your happiness hinges on your contributions to their happiness, you are addicted to the idea of love. The relationship becomes your drug of choice. You become absorbed in it. Any semblance of the person you were is gone. It is a very unhealthy situation.
You need to enter into relationships as a whole, healthy person, already defined in many respects. Your happiness is not dependent on whether or not you have another person in your life. Living and enjoying life should not be affected by having someone to do that with on a daily basis. Everyone hopes for that great love, but life goes on without it too. You don’t have to be perfect and you still need to make changes to yourself. We all have room for improvement. It doesn’t mean there won’t be lonely or sad times. It just means having a significant other or not, you have to love and respect yourself first. When you do enter into a relationship, you are offering the wonder and beauty of you; all of you, with flaws and imperfections, good points and bad. If they can’t appreciate that, then they don’t belong in your life. Be patient, stay true to yourself and give the right person the beautiful gift of “you”.